i think that my therapist is the smartest guy ever. first, he gives me academic articles to read, for us to discuss in subsequent sessions. If I had known he was going to do that, i may have gone to see him sooner. But today, was one of those days where the worst possible thing happened. My therapist looked at me, as if he thought I was crazy. perhaps that's fine, if you actually are 'crazy' and by that I mean, you have serious psychological issues with hearing of voices and the like.
but what he did instead, was give me that look, the dreaded look in response to my statement 'well I don't really think that i'm pretty or attractive or whatever". Were I in a better state of mind, I would have seen that 'look' as a compliment of sorts, but today, I was mostly just surprised by the lack of filter on his behalf. But i digress.
this particular session, was the dreaded recap of love gone wrong. and boy, did this last 'love' go horrendously wrong.... spectacularly wrong..... embarrassingly wrong. I suppose I don't need the fourth adjective for you to get my point. Anyway, in my retelling of these events, he asked me one question. Not "why did you love that pitiful excuse of a man?" or "why did you feel the need to try and be his friend after he so blatantly used you?" which were among the questions I had been asking myself for months. Oh no. my genius therapist simply asked:
"why would you WANT a long distance relationship?"
First, I tried to say " It was him I wanted, the semantics of the relationship were less important" he ignored my smart girl speak and asked it again.
so we sat there, in an uncomfortable silence, while i pondered this question. I tried again:
"well, i'm a really busy person, and I like the idea of not having to feel obligated to spend every night with someone. That i have something to look forward to when they visit, that I can live my life, and they live theirs, and we meet in the middle when we want, and when we can"
HE sat there silently. and then he said " that sounds ok. but i still don't understand. The best part of relationships, why we enter them in the first place, is to have the good parts of ourselves mirrored back at us. the small kindness of making someone a cup of tea, or having one made for you at the end of a long day. Of being told that you are beautiful or telling someone they are beautiful. Of being held, of wanting to make time to talk to someone day in and day out as you share more and more about yourself with them. there is none of that in relationships separated by hundreds of miles from day one. why would you rob yourself of that joy?"
Then, it was my turn to be silent. and i was silent for a really long time. until finally he said: " It's ok to say you don't know"
and that's when I said, much to my surprise "because I'm scared".
and when he asked me, naturally, what I was scared of, my response of " I don't know" garnered a look of sheer joy. apparently being able to admit that you don't have the answers to certain questions are really good starting points in therapy. Go figure.