There are two kinds of happiness

And this, is 'scientifically' proven. (To find these articles and others like them, check out the Journal of Happiness studies)

Apparently there are two kinds of happiness. one that is hedonistic, and the other that is self sacrificing. now, anyone who knows me, knows that I am actually, much to my own dismay the latter. i take my greatest happiness from making sure that others, are happy. this is a major stumbling block for finding relationships that are happy and long lasting. Because in reality, no one want to be self sacrificing forever. Even Mother Teresa expected something back in return for her good deeds - and not surprisingly, they were MORE good deeds from others. This would mean, that people who get happiness from being self sacrificial, eventually, one day come to expect a little bit of that in return.

I took this realization to my therapist. I said to him, wearing a grin as a badge of unbridled pride: " OK, i get it. I get what my problem is." He smiled back, nodded silently, and waited for me to continue. So I did.

"My problem is that i am too self sacrificing kind of happy. and because of that, in relationships, eventually, I expect someone else to be self sacrificing too, to find some joy in doing things that will make me happy or smile. But because I am self sacrificng, I am too busy making sure that the other person is happy, and they never get the chance to do things for me in return."

I smile, and wait for the inevitable praise that will ensue.

"Ro, that's not why I wanted you to read that article"

Shit.

Apparently, the take home point, was somewhere in the second article that I didn't read because I got too excited about my 'self sacrificng' epiphany. My therapist kindly broke it down for me. He said studies showed that the happiest people are those who engage in things that give them BOTH kinds of happiness. The Hedonistic kind (doing things for yourself, and just yourself to make you happy) and the self sacrificing kind (doing things for others, man kind, etc). Essentially, it seems that it's no one's job to make you happy. It's YOUR job to make you happy. and in doing so, sometimes you'll take care of others, and some times you'll take care of yourself. But ultimately, no one gets any real lasting happiness from waiting for others to take care of you.

And just like that, my days of being a Martyr for Love, came to a close (ish). The only thing left to do, is find someone who also gets a little joy from making me laugh a little.

long distance relationships are a waste of time

i think that my therapist is the smartest guy ever. first, he gives me academic articles to read, for us to discuss in subsequent sessions. If I had known he was going to do that, i may have gone to see him sooner. But today, was one of those days where the worst possible thing happened. My therapist looked at me, as if he thought I was crazy. perhaps that's fine, if you actually are 'crazy' and by that I mean, you have serious psychological issues with hearing of voices and the like.

but what he did instead, was give me that look, the dreaded look in response to my statement 'well I don't really think that i'm pretty or attractive or whatever". Were I in a better state of mind, I would have seen that 'look' as a compliment of sorts, but today, I was mostly just surprised by the lack of filter on his behalf. But i digress.

this particular session, was the dreaded recap of love gone wrong. and boy, did this last 'love' go horrendously wrong.... spectacularly wrong..... embarrassingly wrong. I suppose I don't need the fourth adjective for you to get my point. Anyway, in my retelling of these events, he asked me one question. Not "why did you love that pitiful excuse of a man?" or "why did you feel the need to try and be his friend after he so blatantly used you?" which were among the questions I had been asking myself for months. Oh no. my genius therapist simply asked:
"why would you WANT a long distance relationship?"

First, I tried to say " It was him I wanted, the semantics of the relationship were less important" he ignored my smart girl speak and asked it again.

so we sat there, in an uncomfortable silence, while i pondered this question. I tried again:

"well, i'm a really busy person, and I like the idea of not having to feel obligated to spend every night with someone. That i have something to look forward to when they visit, that I can live my life, and they live theirs, and we meet in the middle when we want, and when we can"

HE sat there silently. and then he said " that sounds ok. but i still don't understand. The best part of relationships, why we enter them in the first place, is to have the good parts of ourselves mirrored back at us. the small kindness of making someone a cup of tea, or having one made for you at the end of a long day. Of being told that you are beautiful or telling someone they are beautiful. Of being held, of wanting to make time to talk to someone day in and day out as you share more and more about yourself with them. there is none of that in relationships separated by hundreds of miles from day one. why would you rob yourself of that joy?"

Then, it was my turn to be silent. and i was silent for a really long time. until finally he said: " It's ok to say you don't know"

and that's when I said, much to my surprise "because I'm scared".

and when he asked me, naturally, what I was scared of, my response of " I don't know" garnered a look of sheer joy. apparently being able to admit that you don't have the answers to certain questions are really good starting points in therapy. Go figure.

so my therapist said....

i hate Bloggers. well he didn't say that. i did. i hate bloggers. i hate the notion of blogging. I am unsure why people feel the need to share their musings about why the word 'chair' is so strange with the entire universe. I realize that by admitting i hate bloggers, in teh process of writing my own blog is the gravest of contradictions. however, i have a purpose for going over to the dark side. Honest. here are a few to get started.

1) i am an over sharer - i always have been, and for better or worse always will be. I'm like an open book in the best and worst ways, so really i suppose it was only a matter of time before i created a blog...

2) i'm in therapy - and though i've only had one session, i feel as though he will at some point tell me to have a diary or something equally adolescent. Writing is a well known avenue for putting complex emotional states of being into something more tangible where we can figure out what the hell they mean (for those who aren't verbal over sharers like my self anyway) so, by using said blog as a pseudo diary i can do my 'homework' without feeling like a total loser.

3) i have lots of friends - and these friends, will constantly be asking me 'so, how was therapy?' to ensure that everyone gets the same story, every time, and i don't have to kill myself after the 20th or so time i tell the story, i will direct them here instead.

4) advertise the joy of therapy - i really and truly feel that everyone at some point should see a therapist... well at least a good one anyway. and far too many people (when i say people i actually mean strong, independent women) are above therapy... and shouldn't be. So, if by I, a presumably strong, confident, funny (we'll get back to that annoyance later) smart, pretty (not my opinion, but popular belief) woman can admit that she needs therapy... perhaps it will get other strong, confident, funny, smart pretty women to do the same.

so, that's it. this is why i am making a hypocrite out of myself. It's gotta be better than that dude's blog about why he hates cute animals (a funny blog, but wildly useless in the grand scheme of things)

p.s the first thing my therapist said to me was that i have boundary issues. not even slightly surprising.